5 Years

5 Years.

Do you ever think of the difference that 5 years time can make? I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I'm always thinking In five years my baby will be in kindergarten. She'll be doing her own thing, making her own friends and walking to school by herself with one of those cute little backpacks around her shoulders. And then I turn to my tiny 7 month old and whisper in her ear "Don't grow up yet."

I hold her in my arms often, and realize that no matter how frequently I hold her close to me or take pictures and videos of her special moments and milestones, she's still going to get a little bit bigger everyday. Does it break my heart? A little. But it also makes me overjoyed to think that she has an entire life ahead of her.

When I think about the last five years of my life, it makes me laugh a little and cry a little to think of the things I didn't know at 17 years old. I had no idea that, the one boy I cared about so much really wouldn't matter.  I had no idea that being late to school everyday really, honestly, truly was not fun or funny. (I did, however know that attendance school wasn't.) I didn't know that my grandma would pass away and my aunt would very quickly and unexpectedly follow. I didn't know I would learn to cook, that I would be a clean freak, and that I would sew more than my mom. I didn't know how much I still had to learn about the gospel. I didn't know how heart breaking loosing friends was. I didn't know that I could have the strength to have a baby. That was too scary to even fathom five years ago. I didn't know that judging others was the least productive way I could spend my time and I didn't know that being judged would hurt so much. I didn't know that in that time span; I would get married, have a baby, and be a stay at home mom.

None of that was in my plan for this point of my life.

At 17 I planned on being popular. Obviously that was the most important thing I could think of, which truly shows my 17-year-old maturity. I planned that I would go to college, I would get an education. I would become a nurse. As soon as I was done with that, I would be an EFY counselor and spend the summer teaching children about the gospel. Quickly following that I would turn in my mission papers. When I returned home I would think about marriage, because of course I would be a hot RM who knew two languages so everyone would want to date me. When I did choose my super rich and obedient husband, we would wait three years and then adopt. Having babies was too much to handle. My life would be perfect.

Ha.

I think life isn't always how we plan it to be, because our plans aren't always the best ones. If I had lived that life I had so meticulously planned out, I would not be married to the most wonderful man I've ever met in my life and I would not have given birth to my little miracle; the most perfect, rambunctious, smiley baby that has ever graced this earth. The thought makes my heart hurt. I have learned more about the gospel than I think I ever would have living that other life. I know that I have a lot left to learn about the gospel and my Savior, Jesus Christ but I work everyday to become closer to him and it is much easier to turn my life to him when I see his light in Holland's eyes.

Now, five years later I know that without him I wouldn't be as happy as I am today.  I know that without everything that has happened to me and for me in the past five years, I would not know quite as well how to keep the spirit in my home for my baby and my family. I know that had I not made the decisions I made then, I wouldn't know what to tell my little Holland as she gets older about why I made the choices I made. That is why I am thankful for five years. Five years has blessed my life in many ways, although at times it has tugged on my heartstrings, five years has made me who I am today.

So, here's to the next five years.